14
Mar

Wow, time sure does pass, don’t it?

   Posted by: Linda   in General

Much more time has passed than I’ve realized. Sorry ’bout that. Things got a bit crazy. Okay, yeah, things are always crazy, but this was a bit beyond the norm.

I was laid off at the end of October due to funding cuts, and things have been a roller coaster since then. I’d like to get my own website business going, but the main thing I’ve learned in this process is that nothing brings out the deep-seated feelings of inadequacy like trying to be self-employed. The internal chorus of, “Who do you think you are??” can be deafening at times.

Part of the problem is, of course, that this is my second lay-off in 5 years. I worked for 25 years without a problem. Now I have a Master’s degree and I’ve spent more time unemployed since graduating than I ever did before. What happened to all the bright and shiny promises of advancement and opportunity that I heard before I took the degree? From where I’m sitting, it’s more like it’s made me unemployable. The confusion caused by being told, essentially, “You’ve been a great asset to us and your work is stellar; here’s you pink slip.” really plays havoc with self-esteem, too. It leaves me wondering if everything I’ve believed is false. Can I trust my own perceptions any more? Is there any practical value in my own judgements?

On the plus side, I’ve had lots of time for cleaning. I’m slowly making progress throughout the house. Well, at least throughout the main floor. The path in the studio is wider and better defined. I’ve gained between 2-3 feet of horizontal space in the living room, and any day now I’ll have cleared enough out of the kitchen to be able to open the oven door without obstruction.

I tried a new way of tracking progress that seems to be working very well. I calculated that 100 hours of work came out to 6000 minutes, then I wrote the number 6000 on a whiteboard in the hall. Every time I do something, no matter how big or how small, I subtract the corresponding number of minutes from the total. Since the end of February I’ve got the number down to 5809. Even if I can’t see progress in the house around me, I can see progress in those little purple numbers on the wall, and that’s enough. It’s amazing how rewarding it can be to erase the old number and write up the new one.

Some days it’s the small victories that matter the most.

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6
Aug

A path!!

   Posted by: Linda   in Outside, Studio

It’s taken 5 or 6 hours of work over the course of about 4 weeks, but I’ve created a genuine path! With floor and everything! I’m so happy. And just a little bit proud.

Look, a path!!

 

Granted, it needs a bit of work still, but there’s definitely floor visible there. And here’s a picture of a teeny little poppy that appeared in my back yard recently:

20130805_161704[1]

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23
Jul

Ponderations and randomness

   Posted by: Linda   in General

I haven’t managed to get a whole lot done in the last couple of weeks due to heat and humidity. Mostly just maintenance and some random pecking at things within range of the fan. JD has helped by cleaning off the top of the fridge, and washing the dust ‘n’ stuff off the front doors (thank you!). The dogs have been spoiled a lot, too, which is never a bad thing.

I had to get the cable guy in one night a couple of weeks ago, and that sent me into a bit of an anxiety spiral. I had the living room almost presentable, then he had to check things in the basement. *gasp of horror* Full gold stars to Greg the Cable Guy for his bravery and humour in facing that situation. I also discovered that the crack in the front basement wall has been leaking due to all the rain we’ve had. Discovered = *step squish ick*. That’s a problem for another day. It took about 5 days to overcome the shame and anxiety of having seen my place through the eyes of a stranger. My brain kept screaming, “OMG! OMGOMGOMG!! Run! Hide!” Thankfully it’s better now. Oh, and my PVR is working wonderfully, now.

It’s been a time of wins and losses, too. The oldest, and last, offspring of my once-thriving mousery passed at a record-setting age of 2 years 287 days (over 150 in people years). Bonus was an amazing little boy, and I’m going to miss him. On the flipside, I successfully completed my first website commission gained by advertising on facebook. With a few hiccups, not unexpected, it worked out really well, and I’m quite proud of that. I’ve also managed to drum up a few more leads that could become clients in the future.

In spite of all that, there’s a pervasive feeling of being stalled. I know I shouldn’t, but I was looking at everything last night and there seems so very much still to do. In spite of all the work and effort, there’s still so very, very much to do. It feels like it’ll never be done, never be anywhere close to manageable. I know, keep going, every bit helps, etc. I am, I’m not stopping. I’m going to do more tonight and try not to look around too much.

Mostly I think I need a holiday. There’s been so much happening, and so constantly, for so long, that I’m running out of oomph. Or I need enough more clients that I can afford to live on that income alone. Working from home would definitely be a boon to getting on top of everything. Just imagine how much I could get done while I’m procrastinating from what I should be doing!  Cool

Anyway, I know it was rambling, but there it is. The last month in a nutshell. Some highs, some lows, some gains, some losses. Life as she is lived.

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